A friend recently told me they missed me, and I replied by telling them I missed me too; I wasn’t trying to be cute or smart. They asked me what I meant and I replied with these self-centered words,
“I miss my passion, my drive, my motivation, my inspiration, my go get ’em attitude, my discipline, my finesse, my strength, my inner light, my spark, and my love. I miss being happy all the time. I miss never being in a bad mood. I miss having a carefree attitude, I miss my energy, I miss who I truly am. I’ve become a shell of who I used to be, I’ve become a creature that gets blown by whatever wind passes my way, and I’ve lost my capacity to withstand trials. I can muster conversation and I can pretend to be by the memories in my heart but when the doors close I retreat and I’m lost.”
There was a reply from friend, and I was reminded once more how sordidly selfish I have become through the midst of trials and hardship. I once again replied,
“Even as I say those self-deprecating words I know they are lies planted by the Enemy. Fact of the matter is though they are deep seated psychological issues that I can’t seem to overcome. And as soon as I say THAT I am reminded by a different voice that I don’t have to try to be or do anything. I simply am. However, there’s a hold on me that is a daily battle and I feel as though I have lost the drive to fight most days. My false mindsets keep me from sitting, resting, and taking in all that God says about me. I have this tendency to think I have to be ‘on’ at all times and it has an adverse effect where I retreat and become the absence of my true self – all the qualities I just mentioned. I become so self-centered and I’m left to eat all the bad fruit offered in the garden. I run around in my head all day long and I get lost and then I end up spinning once more on the viciously cyclical merry-go-round of futility.”
End rant.
I can’t say that I’ve gone through anything much harder than the rest of the world. Simply put however I am currently admist what seems like my crowning battle, and the crown doesn’t seem to fit. I know that there’s nothing I can do of my own accord, and that is the beauty of the Gospel. When will I ever learn this life isn’t about me? Who am I living for, after all?
Re-definition 